Working with Dale for over a Year – Testimonial
A man may be born, but in order to be born he must first die, and in order to die he must first awake.
Carl Sandburg (American poet)
There was a Door to which I found no Key:
There was a Veil through which I could not see:
Some little Talk awhile of Me and Thee there seemed –
and then no more of Thee and Me.
Omar Khayyam (trans. Edward Fitzgerald), The Rubaiydt
Looking back to what my perspective of my life and my world was when I completed my application to attend the Heartwork retreat in early October 2010, I realize now that I had no idea whatsoever of the journey that I was about to start. I had heard about Dale Goldstein from a trusted physician who described his own experience of a Retreat facilitated by Dale as being “the most challenging, terrifying and ultimately freeing experience of my life.” He warned me, “Dale goes beyond the intellectual … it is impossible to fully attend and stay ‘safe’ … he offers the opportunity to break through protective layers and thus become truly free.” I thought at the time I understood his words and the process I was about to enter; in retrospect I realize I had no idea what he was talking about. If I had, I am not sure I would have had the confidence or courage to show up.
I am considered to be “a bright person.” As with many things, my strengths and foibles are flip sides of the same qualities. My intelligence has helped me to navigate life’s challenges; it has helped me “to be successful” … indeed, it has helped me to survive. At the same time, my intelligence has also helped shield me from fully acknowledging and experiencing my emotions. Words come easily and I can “talk the talk” so convincingly that I (now know that I) have managed to avoid fully “walking the walk.” For example, although I have had the intellectual awareness of what I would understatingly characterize as “having had a dysfunctional childhood in a dysfunctional family,” I had long managed to protect myself from fully recognizing what that meant and the impact it has had. The Heartwork retreat invited me to find out far more about myself than I ever knew … or ever wanted to know. I came to learn who I really am, how I had protected (and consequently limited) myself; how I had rationalized, avoided, filtered and distorted experiences and the people I had come into contact with and lived with. Dale’s initially innocuous sounding query – “What do you want? What do you really, really want?” -- opened a door to a process that was at first puzzling, then terrifying but ultimately liberating.
Eighteen months later, the process started within that first Retreat continues. I have subsequently experienced three “personal intensives” (approximately 24 hours of individual counseling over a 2-day period) at Dale’s office in Rochester and attended another retreat in Texas. I have had numerous 60 – 90 minute individual Skype counseling sessions. During all of this, I have taken emotional risks that I never knew needed to be taken and have grown in ways that I could never have imagined. Learning and then allowing myself to trust a process I did not initially fully understand, I have allowed myself to “go deeper” into a level and dimension than I ever had known existed. There have been numerous times I’ve “hit bottom.” More accurately, there have been numerous times I’ve “shattered past bottom.” There were numerous times I feared that if I were to fully allow myself to continue by giving up control, I would literally die. Though terrifying, I found that each time I gave up the control and safety that had provided dubious security, I emerged stronger for having done so. I learned that there was no need to fear confronting what I had just confronted; that I had the strength and resources to face the truth and survive. By risking “dying,” instead of dying I began to “live more fully.”
There have been numerous times throughout this process that I thought -- usually with a great sense of relief -- that “I was done … I was now healed.” Invariably … and usually sadly, I would shortly come to realize that I had only reached a new level -- a plateau -- and that there was more -- always more – that needed to be done; that still needs to be done. Each time I went deeper I thought I had reached the bottom; each time I went deeper, I found there was no bottom. For awhile I feared, “What else will there be … what more horrible, terrible memory/insight/experience will come rushing to my consciousness.” In a blinding, cataclysmic insight, I came to the liberating realization that it didn’t matter what was to come for there was nothing “more terrible” (for I had survived all that had happened) but only “more” … and regardless of what the “more” was, I had survived and would continue to survive. In this insight is the manifestation of liberation, personal power and freedom.” I had nothing to fear. I have nothing to fear.
This process of growth and learning has given me confidence to move on. I have learned that the terror that kept me prisoner will not kill me; that instead of running from the pain, I have to embrace it in order to go through it in order to get past it. I have long been inured to the neon signs on churches proclaiming, The Truth Will Set You Free.” But knowing the truth – fully knowing, embracing and accepting the truth – has indeed helped to set me freer. Not fully free – but far more than I ever imagined I could be. How so? Part of the paradox is that until recently, I never knew just how “un-free” I had been. I never knew how reactive I had been or how much I had engaged in “being busy or productive” in order to be protected and distracted from my inner pain. I never realized how much I had run – from others and from myself. I have never fully lived -- at least not on the level that I was capable of living – the values that I so skillfully articulated. That is changing. With the change comes a new, intense sense of wonder and awe that I never knew existed. Optimism. Contentment. Freedom from “having to control” and liberation from “judging other people”. Not always; there remain times that I slide back into fearfulness and protectedness. The difference is that now I know it and can choose – inevitably and invariably choose – not to stay there. Through surrender has come rebirth; from “risking (spiritual and emotional) death has come a new and enhanced sense of life.
My healing journey with Dale has brought magic and mystery to my life. Or have I merely now reached the point of “allowing the magic and mystery that has always been available to me”? I do not know which – I only know the transformation has happened and continues to happen. My relationship with the spirituality of nature has changed. One example occurred during my second multi-day Retreat with Dale (in June 2011):
At one point I found myself deeply affected by the work of another participant. With Dale’s guidance, I went on an emotional journey that eventually led me to grieving over the death of my partner who had committed suicide in 1973. I had thought that I had fully dealt with her all aspects of her death. Once again – in retrospect – I should have known better; I should have known that I fooled myself in order to protect myself. Dale’s intervention allowed me to experience my grief from a different perspective and in doing so, he allowed me to experience myself from a different perspective. Over several hours I struggled, grieved and worked through trauma, pain and sadness that had become an inherent part of my emotional fabric. In the end, I was able to forgive my partner for dying even as I managed to forgive myself for what I saw as my failure “in not having been able to save her life”. I started the day not knowing that I had felt this; I ended it aware of how the beliefs and reaction had both shielded me from future harm and limited me from the full intimacy of “letting go and loving fully”.
And then, the miracle: As I was slowly emerging from my own grief, a small bird gently flew against the window of the building we were in. She was not hurt. The bird perched on the windowsill and looked into the room. Hearing the impact on the window, Dale went to the window; the bird flew away. Immediately after Dale turned from the window, the bird returned. Dale went back – this time outside – bent down, offered his hand and the bird hopped onto it. He carried the bird into the room. The bird, staying on Dale’s hand, stared pointedly at me. For minutes we stared at each other. Someone in the room eventually startled it and the bird flew to a rafter. I was the only one it allowed to approach. I eventually brought it down and held it as I walked outside and sat down on the ground with it. Dale urged me to thank it; I did so, telling it was free to go. It then flew away. What makes this more of “a miracle” is that he bird was a Cardinal – the same species of bird that was the favourite of my partner and me. We had build a birdhouse in the last summer of her life and watched and emotionally adopted the family that set up home there. Shortly after she died, I moved to an area where there are few cardinals.
In releasing the young bird, I also released the pain and grief of her dying and the anger that she had died -- anger that had held me back for 38 years. I am released; free to fully risk, trust and love again.
How does Dale do what he does? By fully living unconditional acceptance. By creating profound safety. By being fully present. By trusting his client … which in turn encourages his client to trust him/herself. By bypassing the intellectual rationalizations and defenses and focusing instead on the emotional and spiritual. By letting his client take responsibility for what will happen or not happen. By being fearless … real … genuine.
Fourteen months after I started my Heartwork journey, I feel a simple pleasure of being alive. I feel a deep, profound sense of contentment that I never knew was possible. Yes, there are times where I slip and fall. There are episodes when I lose balance and perspective and become fearful, defensive and dishonest (with myself and/or with others). But the old pattern no longer fits and even as I am falling I know what is happening and what I am doing. I know I have an alternative; that I do not need to fear but merely need “to Be.” Invariably I come back – faster than before; more focused, more quiet, peaceful and grounded. I am still dealing with some of the implications and consequences of past (and not especially wise) decisions and actions. It is a still a journey for me. It is however, a journey that I am increasingly confident in taking, irrespective and regardless of where it may eventually lead.
How does all this play out in my day-to-day life? People who have known me for years notice the change within me. Be it when I am alone or when I am with others, I am more present, relaxed and engaged. I am more relaxed and yet more passionate in my work. I am more proactive and less reactive in all endeavors -- more enthusiastic and ready to play. Old friends – music and nature – impact me with an intensity that I had lost. I am more creative with old hobbies (such as photography) even as I embrace new pursuits (such as singing, learning Latin dancing and how to play the recorder). I have experienced a transformation of perspective and experience. I now see, experience and live life more fully. No longer needing to run or escape, my adventures have a different feel to them. Having made huge strides toward knowing and loving myself, I am far less fearful of knowing and loving others. Having learned to trust myself, I am more fully capable of trusting and embracing others. I am now able to see them for who they are – not just for whom I wish or needed them to be. My relationship with my wife has been transformed -- we are closer and happier now than at any time in our marriage. I now know that there is no need to fear anything … that everything is good.
Though he humbly disagrees (“Remember who did the work – YOU did.”), I believe I owe my new life to Dale. Trusting in me before I was capable of trusting in myself, guiding me with confidence and faith that I lacked, his facilitation has opened the door and unlocked access to my own potential. I have been blessed and am privileged beyond belief in knowing him and being a client and student of his.
Jason Roth
December 2011
